Trust Me
by Bella-Mimi
Summary: After Angel dies Roger and Mimi split up because of her drug abuse. Mimi turns to the only person who cares, her drug dealer Max. But soon Mimi realises there is more to life than drugs and that people do care. Just as life is looking up tragedy strikes.
1. Blast From the Past

**My first fan fic. Please read and review.**

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****Trust Me**

**Chapter one: Blast from the past**

The rain splashed down heavily onto her silk chocolate hair but she didn't move a muscle. Her purple knee length dress and turquoise cardigan soaked all the way through, she shivered. Looking up into the deep, dark hole which was the sky she sighed. She had never felt this way before. In all her years of being a heroin user she had never felt this…well…shitty. Not only was her stomach in so much agony it was hard to stand straight, her arm was aching too. Both where, just from the over use of her veins. There was a time when Mimi had quit. Yes, she remembered a time, not so long ago, when she was clean and happy. Not only was her life getting back on track her family where trusting her more but now…well things weren't exactly looking up where they?

Making to start walking, she urged her foot forward. Breathing a sharp intake of breath with every painful step yet she quickened her pace. Pain, she could handle. She'd dealt with it her whole life but it didn't make anything any easier. If possible it just made it worse. Mimi wished she could stop feeling emotions. Emotions make you weak, hold you back. They are the worst human trait and she hated being human. Mimi had always wanted to be a cat. Not because they have nine lives but because they are loved. People cherish them, pet them and take care of them, unlike her own mother.

Building after building slowly crawled by as she made her way through the streets of Manhattan. Mimi was not very fond of human beings. They judge and are always so stupid but as she crossed dozens of people in the street she was thankful to notice that only a handful looked her way. They where all pre-occupied with the weather to pay attention to her.

"Mimi!" a loud voice rang from across the street.

She pondered whether to turn round or not. Could she really be bothered with what was to come? She never got the choice.

"Hey I just called you," the voice spoke much more clearly even if a little out of breath. The figure had come to rest just before her eyes blocking her path. Bringing her gaze to meet this person she shook. Not just from the cold but with the thought of what was going to happen.

"You ignoring me now?" the person asked with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Go away Roger! Leave me alone!" Mimi said through gritted teeth. Roger was her ex-boyfriend. He had dumped her after she started using again. Not that Mimi particularly cared anymore, she had Max.

"I'm here to talk to you. To reason with you. I want to help you."

Roger has always been good looking. That was one of the things that first attracted Mimi. With his deep, meaningful blue eyes, floppy brown hair and nice physique what girl wouldn't want him. That was why at the start of their relationship _she _had pursued _him_. He was nervous at first (he hadn't been with a women since his girlfriend April killed herself) but soon came round to her way of thinking. Everything had been great between them until Roger thought she was cheating on him and then her best friend Angel died. Mimi couldn't help herself she had wanted to escape, escape from this world into her own, away from her troubles. But it seemed trouble was finding her.

"Why would _you_ want to help _me_?" she asked trying to walk round him.

"Mimi we may not be dating anymore but I still care for you. I know that man doesn't treat you right!"

"What would you know about Max? You've never met him! You have no right to judge!"

"I know he's your drug dealer," Roger snarled.

"So?"

"I know he hits you."

"What?" Mimi stood gob smacked. "He doesn't! Why'd you think that?"

"That lovely shiner on you face tells all"

Okay so she had a bruise on her face and yes Max had given it to her but that doesn't mean he often abused her. This was really the first time. Right?

* * *

_She couldn't believe Angel was gone. Her best friend, her soul, her guardian angel was truly gone for good and she felt nothing but numbness. Couldn't even cry let alone miss him. Maureen had said that this was a "normal" grieving process that some people go through but that__ she__'d get through it .Well that was a month ago and she still felt the same._

_Flinging on her black, baggy jumper she headed for the door. No way was she staying cooped up any longer, she had to get out._

_Walking slowly round Central Park she paused at the pond. She remembered how she and Angel used to come and race their boats in there every year, and how Angel always won. Mimi always thought it was unfair but knew secretly that Angel cheated. Had cheated since their first time racing._

_"Haven't seen you in a while," a smooth, velvety voice interrupted her thoughts._

_Turning round she smiled. Max! Yes Max was her ex-drug dealer but they had always had more than a "professional" relationship. Standing about 6 feet tall with curly, ear length black hair, Mimi laughed._

_"What's so funny?" he quizzed her, his piercing brown eyes shining in the sunlight. Oh how she loved those eyes!_

_"You grew your hair," she stated giving it a tug._

_Max grabbed her hand and gently started caressing it. His thumbs going in little circles along her palm. Ever so slowly he lowered his mouth to her hand and softly brushed his lips across the upper skin, making her tingle all over._

_Bending down to her ear he whispered "I've missed you so much." Shivering she had to smile. Max was quite the charmer but she couldn't no she wouldn't fall for him again. Not just because he was a drug dealer which meant she was more than likely to get wound up in drugs again but because she knew he was bad news._

_His arms snaked its way around her waist pulling them closer together. He titled his head and surveyed her. Mimi loved the look he gave her. The look of pure lust which she always found irresistible._

_Swiftly he pressed his lips to hers in a deep kiss as they hungrily searched for each others soul. Tongues entwining, hand__s__ exploring. Mimi had been here before but this time she wanted it so badly it hurt._

_Mimi knew she should stop but she didn't care anymore. So what if Max had literally left her for dead last time, this time was different. He was different, everything had changed. Or so she thought._

* * *

"Go away Roger," she shouted storming away. 

Roger quickened his pace starting to run after. Looking behind she saw his mouth move but no sound came out.

* * *

"Fucking bitch," Roger screamed. 

No Mimi was not geeting away this time. He didn't want to hurt her. Never in his whole left would he ever hurt a women no matter what she had done to him. He just wanted to help her out of this god forsaken hole she had dug her self into.

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Mimi running with all her energy rounded the corner and snuck gracefully into a hiden alleyway. One thing that Mimi had was grace. The grace to carry herself when times where hard but also the way she moved was very graceful. You wouldn't think so considering her drug abuse but there was always something so different about her, or so she'd been told. 

Crouching behind a silver, disgaurded trash can she panted, catching her breath. Roger wouldn't find her there. He was always looked in the obvious spots, that and because he would never come down an alley way again.

Mimi thought back to what Roger had said before. _"I know he hits you."_ How did he know? Mimi had alwys kept it a secret about her and Max' relationship. It was one of hatred and pure lust though through no fault of her own Mimi had found herself slowly falling for him and now she was completely at his mercy, doing what he wanted when he wanted or there would be concequences.

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**More chapters coming your way very shortly.**


	2. Hate and Love go Hand in Hand

**Chapter Two: Hate and Love Go Hand In Hand**

_Slap! The sound of skin meeting skin with an almighty force. Max was angry; Mimi knew well enough what was to come._

_"Y__ou stupid, worthless bitch," he screamed down at her limp body. "Can't you do anything right?!" _

_"I'm sorry," she whimpers. "I didn't know!"_

_"Didn't know? YOU DIDN'T KNOW?" Max screamed at Mimi causing her to shake uncontrollably. _

_Yes Mimi didn't know. She didn't know that the man Max told her to steer clear of was wanting Max dead. She didn't know that when she went out to deliver a "package" to a customer of Max's that he would follow her. And most importantly she didn't know that to talk to this man was to sign your life away._

_"You never told me," she whispered._

_Max pulled her up by her hair and flung her full force into the wall. Punch after punch rained down on her as she slowly fell to the floor. Her body ached and the pain was unbearable but she tried to stay as still as possible. _

_A sharp kick to the abdomen and he was on top of her._

_"You are worthless! No one would ever want you. No man, no friends, no life," he hissed at her. Mimi stared into his eyes. His cold, dark, malicious eyes that displayed nothing but hate for her, stared her down. Mimi wanted to retaliate but no sound came out. It was best she kept quite; she knew it would just aggravate him and she was scared enough as it was._

_His cold hands where all over her skin. Poisoning her with his breath, he bit her body drawing blood. She gasped. This was what she liked, pain mixed with pleasure. She slapped him hard, catching him unaware._

_"What?" she asked. "You think only you get to play?"_

_Mimi knew instantly that this was a bad move. His eyes glazed over, his breath quickened. _

_Shit! Mimi thought._

_His hands roaming round her hair suddenly grabbed a huge clump and hit her head so hard off the floor that blood leaked out everywhere._

* * *

_Peeling her eyes open she squinted in the darkness. She could make out the shapes of the sofa and lamp that used to stand straight but was no__w__ lying broken on the floor, glass everywhere._

_Ow! Fuck! It hurt to move. Looking down her eyes widened. What the fuck? Blood was dripping all over her skin and clothes making her appear almost inhuman._

_Slowly, ever so slowly she got up on to her feet. The room spun in an almost ridiculous fashion as she stumbled forward. Regaining balance was difficult enough but when she was in this much pain it was almost impossible. Rocking back and forth she noticed a blood stained piece of paper. Gingerly bending down she reached for it, her fingers grasping the edges as she tumbled forward into a heap. _

_What the hell had happened to her? This didn't make sense. The last thing she remembered was Max's sinister look in his eyes as he slammed her head on the floor but then it's black. Nothing but blackness.__ Max surely wouldn't have done this to her._

_Quickly opening the paper up she read, "**I have to go, life is not worth living. Goodbye cruel world."****

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**_

No! Mimi shook her head. I will not think of the past. He would never do that to me again, this time I know he loves me.

Mimi had been hiding behind the dumpster for almost an hour and knew it was safe to leave. Creeping out, she peered left and right. Seeing the coast was clear she straightend herself up right and continued walking.

This was just great. Not only did she now smell like shit, she was late to meet Max. Cursing under her breath she whipped out her cellphone, clicking speed dial 2. Max answered on the first ring. "You're late!" he moaned into the receiver.

"I'm sorry. Roger started following me and I had to get rid of him so I hid behind a trash can where I have been for the past hour!"

"Fine just hurry up, okay?"

"I'll be there in a minute."

* * *

Two minutes later she was embracing Max. This is where she belonged, in his arms. No where else. 

Without a word he grabbed her wrist, pulling her towards an apartment building. It's red brick color oozing down the wall resembling blood, giving her an uneasy feeling. Looking up she saw the balcony, the balcony she had jumped off of, almost ending her life.

"Why are we back on avenue A?" she wondered out loud.

"I have to see a client. Come on!" he said raising his voice while simultaneously dragging her down the street. It was always _him_ dragging _her_ about not the other way around.

Mimi always wondered why she let him do this to her. Hit her, drag her, just generally push her about and the answer was always because she loved him but a part of her always felt the hate she bore him too. Hate that want hand in hand with the love.

Roger was never like that, he was always gentle, kind and loving. While that was good for a while she found she got bored but she stayed with him longing for a man who wanted excitement too, which she always found in Max. But Max had a tendency to go over board in his "excitement", hurting her to the point of passing out. Maybe that isn't love just power.

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**A very short second chapter. Wasn't sure where this was going but i thankfully do now. **

**Next chapter will have more on Mimi's past suicide attempt and her herion abuse and the Forth more on Roger's POV**

**Please rate and review.**


	3. Hope For Nothing

**I know the last two chapters where a bit confusing, I was confusing myself a bit! hahahaha! I wasn't really re-reading my chapters (a bad habit of mine) just laying them down. But it's fixed now: Summery and the concept.**

**This will eventually turn into a Mimi/Roger thing but Mimi's life isn't exactly great. I'm being very mean to Mimi right now. I just had to get this fiction of tragedy out my system, as it was needing to be put down on paper. **

**Thanks for the reviews :) Keep them coming.**

**Oh this is Mimi's POV.**

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**Chapter Three: Hope for Nothing**

Sitting in the dark corner of the room you will find me. I never used to be like that I was always the girly girl of the family. Everything pink was what I liked: barbie', pretty dresses, you name anything pink and I'll have liked it. My family was big and money was scarce but I was happy, for a little while at least. Mother wasn't exactly loving, in fact she just blatantly ignored me. We all knew Mother's favorite was Ava. Ava, the oldest of us all, was the beauty and the brains and the pride and joy to the family. But not to me. Meeting Angel was the best thing that happened to me, but we also done some of the worst.

I can't say that my drug use was used to repress my emotions or just to escape "it all". No, my drug use was completely experimental and entirely my own fault.

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_I'm open to new things, I want to live life, but sitting in my boyfriend, Paul's sweaty, banged up Volvo with Angel was not how i wanted to start._

_Staring at the needle I shivered. Goosebumps ran down my arms as I slowly reached out for it. It felt ever so light and delicate on my fingers and i knew this would be a life changing moment. _

_"You know," I said putting the needle down. "I'm not that good with needles."_

_"Well, I do it and I'm fine," Paul said in a defensing tone. Angel just looked uneasy, like me, he had never done this before._

_Sighing I pick it up again. Good thing my veins where protruding or I'd have trouble finding it. Slowly I inserted the needle into my vein. The metal was cool beneath my skin, yet my hands where sweaty and shaking. Taking control I pushed down on the plunger and quickly pulled it out. _

_I gasped for air, only realizing I'd been holding my breath the whole time. Sitting still, a wave of euphoria came over me, like nothing I'd ever felt before. So good. A feeling i never wanted to end._

_"How'd you feel," Angel whispered deciding it was okay to speak._

_"Wicked," were the only words i could use to explain this amazing feeling as i fell back onto the seat, breathing in ecstasy. _

_

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_Thinking back always makes me upset. Upset at the path I chose to walk down. They say it gets better with time but i find it just gets worse and even harder to break the cycle you get yourself into.

Sometimes I find myself thinking of Roger, that maybe I should see him to apologise for my behavior after all, looking back, it was uncalled for.

Strolling back onto Avenue A I spotted him. His hair blowing in the slight breeze as he turned to look at me. Surprisingly he looked shocked to see me. Walking up to him, I glanced behind me, hoping to God Max didn't come round the corner.

"What are you doing here," he questioned me.

"I came...came to...apologise," I sighed. "I'm sorry, just for everything."

I stared into his eyes seeing the surprise that came over him, even though he tried to hide it, his face was an open book.

And then i was in his arms. I never expected him to hug me, never expected him to even like me after everything but here he was being the amazing guy he was. I also never expected the rush of emotion to capture me so tightly like a spider trapping a fly.

"I'm sorry!" I sobbed breaking down in his arms.

"Shhhhhh...It's okay. Mimi, i forgive you. I still love you for Christ sake, can't you see that all of us have been so worried about you? Mimi?"

"Ye...ye...yes?" i managed to whisper in between my tears.

"Leave him. Come and stay with me."

"What? Are you crazy? Roger he'd kill me, you included."

"I just want you to be safe. Look just come upstairs for a bit at least and just talk."

I wanted to, really I did. My emotions and feelings for Roger where all over the place, but i knew i could trust him and i knew he'd protect me now. Even if he failed the first time.

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_I admit i have a problem and he abandons me! Yes, he abandons me! How am i going to go on? First Angel, then what Max did to me, now Roger._

_Looking out onto New York i stared down. The night was as black as hell itself, matching my mood perfectly._

_My balcony was about 30 feet high, i could end it all right now._

_Don't be stupid! Just because things aren't great right now doesn't mean they won't get better. Trying to convince myself just isn't working. 'Cause really, who was i kidding? Life was shit. Angel dies and then Max completely destroys me but Roger. Amazing Roger, comes into my life and helps me through some of the most difficult times for me and now it's over. He was my world, the one i relied on, looked to for support and now here i am contemplating suicide. Madness!_

_Is it? Who would really miss me when i'm gone. Collins? No, he blames me for Angel's death, though he won't admit it to me. Mark? I've caused him enough trouble. Roger? He'd be glad to be rid of me so i wouldn't be clinging to him everyday. Maureen and Joanne would maybe miss me a fraction but they'd get over it really quickly and Benny would just be indiffent._

_And it's not like i have anything to live for. For one i wouldn't be dependent on anyone or anything and that to me is heaven. _

_Putting one foot lightly on the top rail of the balcony i trembled. This is right, this is the right thing to do. Steading myself i crouched down as i raised the other one beside it. Straightening up i tumbled into the darkness. _

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**Sorry another short chapter. Not been getting on much and when i am i'm trying to do as much as i can.**

**Next chapter is on Roger's POV.**


	4. I was blind

**Chapter Four****: I Was Blind**

Shutting the door to the loft behind me, I turn around. Mimi stares back at me, waiting for me to make the first move.

"You can sit down you know."

She looks at me, lost and alone and I suddenly have an urge to take her in my arms and never let go.

"I know," she whispers taking a seat on the battered, old couch. "You sure you don't mind me being here?"

"Ofcourse I don't!" I explain. "Why would I mind? I want to help you, make you better."

Mimi stares at the floor, as if something exciting is happening. Why is this so difficult? I remember a time when we had pleanty to say to each other; a time when we didn't sleep because neither one us wanted to be alone. Where had that time gone? I guess I was the one who fucked up; the one who left her. She started using again and i couldn't take it. It was just after Angel died and I should have known better; should of helped her then instead of making her worse by letting her turn to Max of all people.

"I don't want you to get hurt," she says with so much sincerity that I truely believe her.

"Don't worry, I won't. And even if he does come looking for you, we'll run; away from here, away from him."

"I'm tired of running away from my problems like a coward. I need to face them, but how can I face him when I know he'll kill me?"

Striding towards her, I sit down beside her taking her hand in mine. I may still love her, but time has changed things and now is not the time to go jumping into old feelings that she probably doesn't feel. I will not tell her that a still love her, now is not the time.

"He won't kill you. I won't let him come near you, touch you, or even breath the same air as you. Understand this Mims, I love you and I always have and I will never let him touch you again. I'm just so sorry that I left you in the first place. If I had never left this would never have happened." Fuck, there goes my "not telling her."

Silence. I hate silence. Why must Mimi always be silent when she's thinking. I'd rather she thought out loud.

Raising her eyes to level mine I look deep in them. I used to swim in these beautiful, brown eyes; I would get lost in them; loose myself never to be found.

"I don't know what to say," she whispered to me. "I don't know what I feel anymore."

Well it's not rejection anyway. "It's okay Mimi. Things have changed and it'll take time to be back to your old self but i'll help you. That's if you want my help?"

"Please Roger, please! You have to help me! I can't do this alone!"

Teears began to flow and she couldn't stop them. I gathered her to me and rocked her while telling her everything would be alright. A river was flowing and she couldn't stop it. She tried but she couldn't. I told her to let it all out and she did. She tired herself out and I let her sleep. It looked to me that this was the first in a long time that Mimi slept soundly.

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Morning. When everything from the previous night is re-examined and thats when you say, "What the fuck have I done."

She'd fallen asleep on the couch and I watched her, only tearing away my eyes when I, myself, had to rest. Now as I see her gracefully standing on the balcony I, again, stare. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever layed eyes on and that is one thing that'll never change.

Sensing my presence she says "Aren't you going to join me?" She doesn't even turn round.

Walking towards her, I breath in her scent. It is everywhere. I never relised how much i'd missed it until it was now back into my life.

"Sorry I thought you'd want to be alone." Standing beside her, I sneak a glance at her face. Time has not changed her beauty but the drugs have. She is no longer a flawless beauty but one of tiredness and she looks guant, like she has not eaten anything in quite awhile.

"I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of being on my own."

I nod. "I understand the feeling. This'll get better I promise." She looks skeptical. "When was the last time you shoot up?"

"Just before I found you."

"And that was the last time you're ever going to again." I face her, she looks scared at the prospect of no drugs. Things she has depended on for so long is now going to get taken away from her.

Addicts need an obsession. If you're coming off drugs you're just going to find something else to obsess your self with. Addiction needs fuel, and for me, Mimi was mine. Even though i was already off drugs a year before I met, her my addictions had no fuel, I had nothing but the hope that tomorrow would be brighter, but after I met Mimi my fuel was ignited and i knew she was the only person that would ever do that for me again.

"I know it _has _to be, but i don't _want_ it to be. I'm not sure if i'm ready to give it up yet."

"You know it's for the best. This is no way to live Mims."

"I'm so scared! What if I can't do it? What if I start stopping and I give in and go back to it? I want to be strong, but I'm afraid I'm weak."

"You are not weak! You're one of the srongest people i know! You've been through so much and yet you're still standing! What does that say about you if you are not strong?"

"That i AM weak! I am! I'm weak because i don't actually face these problems and fears. I do drugs to make them go away. More and more until i can't even remember my own name! I've fucked up and I am weak and all i feel these days is shame and guilt."

"You want to know something?" I ask.

"Depends."

"That feeling, it'll never go away. There'll be days when all you feel is guilt and shame but there'll be days when you feel so much more and so much better feelings that those ones won't matter. I'm not going to lie to you...It's going to take time, a long time but you'll look back on this one days and you'll think "I'm so much better off now" and you'll never want to turn back."

"If you say so."

"Trust me."

Her eyes meet mine, and I know what she's going to say before she even opens her mouth to utter the words.

"I do."

* * *

She sweats. She shakes. She vomits. She cries. She hullicinates and all the while I am with her. Comforting her, telling her it's going to be okay, that she can do this, that i'm here.

I'll never leave her.

Ever.

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**I'm big on short chapters for this story. **

**I hope things have become much clearer now. **

**This chapter I actually quite like.**

**Next one is on Mimi's POV and it's more on her detoxication and if she can really do it.**


	5. All I Do is Worry

**Chapter Five: All I do is worry.**

Roger never told me it would be like this. He told me it would be a hard thing to do but he fail to mention this part.

The toilet has become my friend. I've vomited more in it than I ever had in my whole life. Blood, puke, brown shit that I don't even want to know about come up every time and it's only the 3rd day.

Last night I had a most horrible nightmare. I was doing drugs and drinking hard shit. I was hallucinating, I was violent, out of control. When I woke up I was shaking uncontrollably, my body thought it had actually happened and most of me wished it had.

Roger had soothed me, told me I was going to be okay. I trust him but right now, I just wish I were dead.

* * *

Oh shit!

I get out of bed and I walk to the bathroom. I'm having trouble standing straight let alone walking and I bash into the door. Roger is standing there, brushing his teeth.

"You okay?"

He sees the palor of my face and instinctively runs towards me. It is too late. I start to gag and crawl towards the toilet. It comes. Bile, blood and brown shit. Blood, everywhere blood. It burns my stomach, my throat and my mouth. It burns my lips, my face. It won't stop. I want it to but it won't. I cry silent tears and i vomit again and again and again. All the while Roger is there, comforting me, soothing me, telling me it'll be alright. This time i don't believe him. Every heave is sore, every breath is agony and a sharp pain jolts up my left arm and jaw. I keep thinking that i'm going to look in the toilet and i'll see my stomach sitting there.

I hate myself, hate what I've done to myself. I hate myself so much that suicide seems like a reasonable option at this moment in time.

The vomiting and gaging stops and I start to breath normally again.

"These few weeks are the hardest part." Roger whispers. "You're strong though, you'll get through them."

I wasn't so sure I could take another couple of weeks of this.

Standing, I walk to the sink. Clinging to it to keep my balance I stare at myself. Looking in my eyes all I see is hate and disgust. Hate and disgust for what I have become and what I'll always be. An addict. A drug addict at that.

"Need any help?"

I shake my head. I'm so thankful for having Roger here. He's been so great and without him I'm not sure where I'd be.

"I'll leave you alone."

He starts to walk away.

"No!" I cry, a little too loud and desperate for my taste.

I don't want to be alone. I have never wanted to be alone. Never. People always put me in situations that I _had _to be on my own and then i just put myself in those situations to save them time, but now I need someone more than ever.

"I don't really need help, but I'd like you to stay."

He smiles and I see a mixture of joy and mourning in his eyes, but i can't quite place if they're toward me or not. "Of course I'll stay."

He sit silently on the edge of the bath tub and watches me. Not with scrutiny but dare i say it, awe.

"You're doing better than I ever did," Roger states.

"What?" Disbelief washes over me.

"Yeah but my third and fourth days I was already back on it. I gave in and it continued like that for about a month, until Mark found me and brought me home. He stayed with me, just like I am with you. I owe him everything."

I was stunned. I always thought Roger succeed first time with his withdrawal.

"Wow." That's all I could manage to say? Wow? Now what's he going to think of you? "Well I mean...It's just...I thought you'd succeed first time round. I didn't mean it in a bad way."

He laughs. "It's okay. I know what you meant."

We sit in silence for a while. Me cleaning my face and teeth, him just staring into space thinking, sometimes looking at me. I feel comfortable with Roger, even in silence. He was, and is the only person i can do that with.

"Thank you...for being here with me."

"Mimi...how many times? You don't need to thank me."

"But you don't need to be here. You chose to be and for that I am thanking you."

"Why wouldn't I be here?"

I wasn't sure if that a rhetorical question or not but I chose to answer it anyway.

"Because of what I put you through. 'Cause I'm a horrible person. 'Cause I don't deserve you, your love, your kindness, any of it!"

I start to walk, or rather stumble away, when his arms gently place them self round my shoulders and spin me round. Looking into his eyes I see love like never before. I don't remember it there the last time but maybe because I was always stoned. Slowly his head tilts towards mine and our lips find each other. Slowly at first, we haven't done this for a while. Our tongues entwined, hands searching, I press myself harder into his body. He moans in my mouth, as I slowly slide my hands further down his back.

Pulling away, I start to breath again.

"I forgot to breathe," I laugh.

"I love you Mimi."

I stare at him and i feel a rush of love, so strong and powerful that it's amazing I never noticed it before. "I love you too." So this is kind of fast. "I guess I always have I just failed to notice it."

I embrace him and breath in his scent. Musky yet with a hint of vanilla. Roger doesn't even like vanilla but that's what he smells like and that i'll never tell him.

Here is comes again. I start to gag and heave. Roger rushes me to the toilet and it comes again.

* * *

Two weeks later and I'm feeling no better. The only thing that's changed is that me and Roger are closer than ever. I thought things where going to fast but so what? It's not like we've never done this together before, the only difference is now we are _both _clean-or in the process.

Nightmares of drugs and drink keep coming back to me. Not every night, as they used but at least every two to three nights. My last one, Maz was there. I'd been so occupied with getting better and with Roger that i'd forgotten all about Max. Now the terror rises inside of me again. Is he out looking for me? Hunting me down? Is he going to leave me alone? As if someone was reading my mind, Roger spoke, "I just met Max."

"Oh!"

"He's a pleasant man."

"What happened? Roger you're bleeding!" Blood was running slowly from his lip and cheek. Small scratches but there was blood and that was all i cared about.

"He told me to "hand" you back! Like you where a possession. I told him to fuck off and well...he attacked me and we fought. But don't worry he won't be bothering us anymore."

"Roger! What did you do?"

"Don't worry about it! It's over. You'll never have to deal with him again."

I didn't question the matter further. In truth, i wasn't sure if I wanted to know what really happened.

"Are you going to be okay?" I asked, rushing to see his wounds.

"Hey, hey," he moaned while pushing my hands away gently. "Stop worrying about me and my wounds and concentrate on you. How are you feeling?"

"Are you sure? I could clean them for you?"

"Mimi! How are you feeling?!"

"Shit! But i'd like to help you, it would take my mind of me for a while."

Sighing he smiled, "If you must."

Taking his hand I lead him slowly to the bathroom. My legs were still not functioning proparly so I held on to Roger pretty tight. Sitting him down on the edge of the bath tub I grab a cloth and wet it. Rinsing off the excess water i started to dab them clean.

"They're not that deep, so they'll heal quite quickly."

"I know Mims, that's why i wasn't to bothered about them."

He seemed annoyed. I didn't want him to be mad at me just 'cause i wanted to help.

"I just wanted to help s'all. I've been useless lately."

"You've been getting better."

"Yeah for the past two weeks i've been throwing up every day. Yeah i'm definitly getting better!"

"It'll take time."

"I know and i'm being patient." Finishing off, I dry the cuts and place the cloth in the basket to get washed.

"I'm really proud of you. You're going to make it."

Kissing him lightly on the lips I sit on his lap. Curling around him, I place my head beneath his chin. Our hearts beat as one and I relise that this is what is real. I'll never understand how I used to think Max cared for me, or why I thought me and Max were made for each other. Now it makes no sense. Now I can see clearly and I see Roger and how much he cares for me. This is love. Someone who helps you through the tough times, sooths you through the bad, accepts you for your flaws and never forgets that you're breathing for them. I'll make Roger know that. He's my reason for living.

* * *

When everything is gone, what is left? When my addiction to one thing is gone, what is it replaced with? In my case it's Roger, but Roger is starting to feel claustrophobic. He feels I'm suffocating him too much. What am i meant to do? I don't want to lose him! So i do the only thing I can think of...I move out.

* * *

"Mimi, why are going?" Roger quiz's me.

"Because we need, well you need, some space from me."

"Bullshit! That's not true!"

"Yes it is! Look me in the eye and say that then!" He can't. He doesn't and I understand that he's scared.

"Why are you so scared?" I whisper.

"I...I just don't want things messed up again, and i'm afraid if we spend so much time together that'll be well...messed up! But that's something _I _have to deal with, it doesn't mean that you have to move out. I don't want you to move out!"

"Are you sure you don't want some space?"

"Positive."

He seemed genuine so i didn't ponder, I just wish that he would talk to me more instead of holding it in.

* * *

A whole month of being clean and i'm starting to look somewhat human again. I have some flesh on my bones and a strangely ravenous appetite that I can't control, but one thing is different, Roger's gone!

Not left me, just away with Mark and Collins for a directors workshop, to give Mark support. He thought i was okay now to be left on my own and i'm going to make him proud of me. I can beat this thing. It doesn't matter that everytime i think about heroin i want to shoot up, it doesn't matter that everytime i close my eyes i can see it, no, what matters is that I DON"T do it! And i'm strong enough, aren't I?

* * *


	6. And it All Goes Up

**Chapter Six: And it All Goes Up**

With Roger gone I can do what I want. I could get stoned again and he wouldn't know, well until he came back that is. But what would one little dose do? Get me addicted again? Yes, would be the answer to that one. If I did get addicted again there would be no way in hell that i would detox. I've went through it once, I wouldn't do it again. Then the answer should be "just stay clean," but it's hard...oh so fuckin' hard!

Sitting on hands so I'm not tempted to go out and find someone, anyone, who would give me shit. How could Roger trust me on my own, when I don't know if I can even trust myself?

A ringing is occuring somewhere in the loft and I don't know where. Does Roger even have a phone? I search the room, pulling up papers and blankets. Nothing but the ringing continues. What the fuck is that?

"MIMI!!"

Huh? Okay now I'm hallucinating again.

"MIMI? ARE YOU UP THERE?"

Up where? I turn round the room. There is no one here but me. Instinct tells me not to be stupid and go to the balcony, I do. There is Maureen and Joanne standing on the street yelling up to me.

"HEY! THERE YOU ARE!" Maureen screams.

"No need to shout, I can hear you loud and clear," I say in an almost perfect pitch.

"Sorry. Can we come up?"

"Sure."

I walk away and open the loft door. I leave it open. I can not be bothered greeting them, it's not my thing.

"Hey sweetie, how are you feeling? You look good." Maureen asks.

I give them both small hugs and sit on the couch.

"Yeah, I'm okay, I guess."

"Well you look better than the last time I saw you."

"When was that?" I ask. I can't remember seeing Maureen in over 4 months.

"Just last month, before you came back here. You were pretty out of it though so I don't know if you'd remember."

"Um...vaguely," I lie, in fact I don't remember it at all. I don't remember much before I came to Roger's. "Are you guys here to check up one me? Roger ask you too?"

They exchange wary glances at each other and Joanne speaks. "Well he did mention something about seeing if you're okay, but that's actaully not why we're here."

Maureen smiles at this and continues the explanation. "You see, we have an extra ticket to an indoor carnival tonight. It'll have rollarcoaster and candyfloss and all types of cool stuff, and we were wondering if you would like to come with us."

I look at their eager faces and I feel saddened to let them down. "Oh! Sorry guys...but...I just don't feel up to doing much right now. I'm still feeling kinda queasy and what not. Also I don't really trust myself out in the real world right now. Thanks anyway. It was nice of you too ask."

"No it's fine. We understand. Just thought you might be feeling a bit better but I guess this process takes alot longer than we thought," Joanne says.

"Well it's been about a month now and the only things that's better is that i've stopped vomiting all the time."

"That's a bonus," Maureen laughs in a supported gesture. She was just trying to make me feel better but I really just wanted Roger.

"Yeah I guess it is," I laugh. A small laugh to let her show I didn't take it in offence. "Do you know when Roger will be back?"

"Tomorrow night. He's coming back a day earlier too see you," Joanne mumbles between mouth fulls of a Reese bar that she just happened upon in her purse. "I brought lunch! Want a bit?"

"Yes please," I reply. I accept the chocolate with eager anticipation. Food is my new fuel and I want it badly. I stuff it in my mouth as fast as I can. It's gone to quickly. If only she had brought more, lots more.

"Least you're got your appetite back," she laughs and hugs me. "We got to get going. The carnival is all the way across town and we don't want to be waiting in an awfully huge line. You going to be okay on your own tonight?"

"I'm a big girl. I'll be fine, besides Roger's back tomorrow, something to look forward to."

* * *

Collins and me have never been that friendly ever since Angel died. He seemed to blame me for him contacting AIDS and then his death. He would never admit this to me but ever since Angel's funeral he's hardly spoke two words to me.

Shame. I'd always liked Collins. I was so happy when Angel met him as he was truly happy. I guess Collins thought I was a bad influence and in a way I guess I was. Angel probably would have never tried heroin if it wasn't for me. He would never have got shunned by his family if not for me. If I could turn back time and tell Angel that I'd hated him-which would have been a lie anyway-I would. It would of saved him from me and most likely he would still be alive today.

* * *

After Maureen and Joanne leave i just sit and stare at the walls. I clench my fits and i wait for the urge for illegal substances to subside. It takes longer than usual for them to but it does eventually.

What am I meant to do now? Roger has been my entire world for the last month. We would sit and just talk, smoke on the balcony and just enjoy being together, thats not including him holding my hair back as I puke, rocking me to sleep as I bawl my eyes out and just generally keep me sane.

I will not relapse. I will not relapse. I will not! I repeat over and over again until the sun dies down and moon takes it's place. I will not! I repeat until my eyelids turn heavy and even in sleep I repeat i will not!

* * *

The sun. My enemy. Always has been. I'm a child of the darkness, i do deeds in the dark, walk in the dark, i feel comfortable in the dark not in the light. The light exposes her for who we really are. The light is for the superheros, who save the day, not for people like me who drag ourselves down and demolish others along our way. I've lost count of the people i've hurt through my own faults and by simply giving them drugs, along _my own_way. People who have come and gone, i'd never given them a second thought, until now, when i feel guilt and shame, which will _never_go away! I guess i'm lucky though that i still have people who care. I could have been left with nobody!

The door to loft opens with an almighty bang causing me to bolt upright. Turning rather rapidly considering my condition I see Roger, looking at me, scrutinizing me.

"How are you?" he asks cautiously. I'm really getting sick of people asking me how I am.

"I'm fine, though I'm really glad you're back. I missed you alot." I stand and motion forward to greet him but I stop myself suddenly when he moves like a bolt of lightening to hug me.

"I'm so glad you made it."

I hug him tighter. His praise means alot to me. "I didn't think i was going to, but I did."

Pulling away slightly to look at my face, he smiles. "This weekend was a big tester for you, it now shows that you can resist temptation."

"What kind of temptation?" I smile seductively.

Laughing he forcefully kisses me. I never realised how much we had missed each other until this point.

Breaking our embrace he moves his bag into the bedroom, pulling me with him.

"Maureen and Joanne told me that you didn't go out with them. How come?"

"Did you ask them to take me out?"

"Well...sort of."

"They told me you didn't!"

"They like you Mims, you know that!"

"Yeah but, i don't want them to feel they _have _to take me out just 'cause you said."

"They said they were going to ask you anyway."

"Oh...okay."

"Well? How come you didn't go with them? It wouldn't have been good for you."

"I'm sure it would've been but i just wasn't in the mood. Besides, i wasn't sure if I could trust myself in the real world."

"The real world?"

"You know, like out there, on the street, with drug dealers and junkies, people i know who dont' know that i'm off it. Them offering me things and me having to fight the urge to not snatch it from them. I didn't know if I was strong enough, obviously i proved myself wrong." I sit on top of the bed and cross my legs indian style. Roger was folding his t-shirts and putting them away. He's always to particular about the way they are folded. You have to fold the right side then the left and then part them in the middle.

"I see what you mean. I guess I just never looked at it that way."

"How did you look at it?"

He stops his folding and flops down beside me, causing the bed to jump suddenly. "I guess i saw it like this was the real world. Me getting better I mean and that outside the loft was also real. Everything was real, too real maybe. I was always aware of everything. All my senses had been hightened again and i could smell, taste, hear, see and touch more than i ever could before. Even after the first week. That was obviously different for you but detox affects everyone different. In a way I'm still going through it. You're never fully rid of drugs, they're always there, in the back of your mind, lingering in your system. It's just up to you never to relapse."

I think about it for a minute. It makes sense that drugs never fully leave you, i just wish they could.

"Do you think that _you_ could ever relapse again?"

"It's possible...but only if i let it be possible. It's always up to the individual if they can handle life without drugs or not. It doesn't make you weak if you do relapse. I used to think it did, but now I see that it just makes you more dependable. But dependancy is not a weak thing more of a psychological thing."

He looks at my awed expression and laughs. "What?"

"Did you think alot when you were away? Or did you swallow a psychology book?"

"Just _alot_ of thinking."

"About what, except drugs?"

"You...us."

"Did you come to any interesting conclusions?"

"Just one."

He sees that i'm not pressing the matter any further, so he changes the subject. He doesn't relise that i was waiting for him to elaboarte.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?"

"I don't care. What's the conclusion?"

"It can wait for a later date."

"Rog! Come on! Tell me!" I plead. He can't just leave me hanging now.

"I don't know what you'd say to this but how about we..."

He trails off and but I keep pressing him.

"We what?"

"Move away?"

"Like a nicer apartment?"

"Yeah but in a different state and we could you know like a garden and kids and..."

"Kids? Woah! That's kinda early!"

"I mean in the future! But come on! It would be great for us. Start a new!"

"Where would be go?"

"Somewhere sunny. Like New Mexico or Nevada."

"This seems so ridiculous!"

"No it doesn't. We'd save up and move. We'd happy and most importantly together."

"You'd think it'd work?"

"Most definitely."

I lunge on top of him and hug him so tightly that I actually hurt myself.

"I guess you agree then?"

"Most definitely."

* * *

**Thanks for the reviews i almost forgot about adding in what happened to Max. **

**Next chapter will probably be the last and Max's story will be explained more.**

**Fee xx**


	7. From Your Pedestal You Are Beckoned

**I now have all the chapters worked out; there will be nine chapters in all.**

**There is going to be a bit of swearing in this, as Max has a temper problem and you'll see further on what medical condition too.**

**Max's POV from after Mimi goes off with Roger, too when him and Roger have a little tiff. **

* * *

**Chapter Seven: From Your Pedestal You Are Beckoned**

"Where is she?" I shout, scream, yell just so someone will come out of their drug induced slumber and acknowledge me.

This was my own fault for bring her here; to avenue A. I should have known that she would run off. She is mine. She belongs to me and I will not have my things running away.

An alarmingly smelly hobbo walks up to me; his hand goes out, palm flat up. "What the fuck do you want?" I seethe, my temper rising even more than normal.

"Spare change?"

"I don't have any fucking money!" I rage at him, hitting him full force to the ground. "Would I be here if I did?"

I kick his whimpering body and step over it. Stupid homeless, go ask the upper class for money, they obviously have some to spare. Walking away, I sense a presence behind me and i swiftly turn round.

"Why did you turn on him?" Natella asked, crouching down to see if he was okay. I've known Natella for years and first introduced her to drugs. Pot being her first taste then moving on to the harder ones. She's an avid stoner now, like me.

"I don't know. He was annoying me."

She stared at me if I was crazy. "You have a serious problem. It's a wonder Mimi has stayed with you so long with the amount of beatings she gets."

"Well now I can't find her..."

"GOOD! I hope she runs off and never comes back to you! She deserves better!"

Anger. I see red, little dots in my eyes and my temperature and fury rises. The fury comes. It explodes!

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!" I scream at the top of my lungs as I punch her full force in the head. She goes down like switch and her head squishes out tomato ketchup. I bend down and take a lick. Doesn't taste of tomato ketchup, just of metal.

"Fucker," she hisses and spits the ketchup at me. "You...have...a...serious...problem," she gasps.

I take no notice. Whatever she says, i don't care. I dont' have a problem, maybe a drug one but most people do here and there's no way i'm going to a doctor!

* * *

"After all the test we have done, and all the talking you have done with the psychiatrist, we now have the results."

This doctor was blabbing, and I didn't understand why I brought myself here in the first place. Maybe it was to bring Mimi back. If I find out whats wrong with me, she would come back. Yes! That's why I'm doing this.

It had taken me all my will power to come here. I swore i wouldn't but strangely enough i actually missed Mimi. Never thought it would happen but I was so used to ther being there ALL the time that now that's she fucked off and left me-doing god knows what-i feel sort of...empty, i guess. I shouldn't; I didn't even care for her very much but she was such a big part of my life for so long that it's weird now she's not here.

"It seems that you have a mental disorder know as Bipolar Disorder," he states.

What disorder? I don't have a fuckin' medical condition! I only came here to prove that fact, and now science is telling me that I was fuckin' wrong!

"I don't understand all your medical shit! Please tell me in words I can fuckin' understand," I was getting really worked up by now. What right did he have to say that I was mentally unstable?

"Bipolar disorder is a mental disorder but it's a mood disorder more than a single one. You experience severe highs and lows. The highs being mania, when you get very worked up, angry and sometimes violent and the lows being you become very depressive."

Yes, I did sometimes get very violent and angry and a couple of months ago I was severely depressed but I refused to believe this bullshit!

"There are three sub categories of Bipolar," he goes on. "Bipolar 1, 2 and cyclothymia. Bipolar 1, which you have, is where you experience more manic than depressive episodes. This is a manic-depressive disorder and we would like you to start treatment as soon as."

"Treatment? No way! I don't need treatment! I'm not a maniac!"

"Bipolar does not mean you are a maniac. It just means that your brain is, i guess you could say, tuned a different way."

I'll fuckin' tune him in a minute if he doesn't shut the fuck up.

"We would really like it if you would start treatment. It would be the best thing for you. We'd give you drugs to calm the episodes, and we'd provide you with a psychiatrist to help you learn how to deal with this. It won't be easy but in time you'll learn how to control yourself, but it will not make it disappear, we have to be clear on this. Bipolar, once ignited, can only be calmed not dissipated. You'll never be rid of it."

"I don't think so," I scoff. "I don't need treatment, okay? I can handle this all on my own!"

* * *

Bipolar? The more I think of it, the more it does make sense. I don't want it to, but it does. I've never really thought I had a problem, other people did, but not me. Yes, i could get angry; angry maybe wasn't the appropriate word for it. Raging, livid, they're maybe more fitting. The only time I'd ever thought i'd had a problem was when i had left Mimi for dead. I'd fucked her up bad; she deserved it for screwing me over. That was the only time and the thought left my head as soon as i'd thought of it.

Mimi. Thinking of her just made me furious. She had been gone for now for about 3 weeks and I was still looking for her. When I find her I just know i'm going to be so mad that I won't be able to control myself. I don't even know where'd she go, let alone go for so long. I can rule out all her "friends" like Mark, Collins and what was her name Maurana...Mauren or whatever but she wouldn't go to them, and she certainly wouldn't go to that bastard Roger! But maybe one them had seen her? I don't know what the others looks like but i definitely know Roger. Think of the devil, there he goes now.

"Roger!" I yell. "Hold on a minute!"

He stops and growls at me. How fuckin' dare he growl at me. What the fuck did I do wrong?

"What do you want," he seethes. Seems like he's angry with me for some unknown reason. I don't even know the motherfucker!

"I was just wondering if you had seen my bitch, Mimi."

He suddenly looks like he's going to attack me. "Firstly, she is not yours nor is she a bitch. Secondly, she is with me! Getting better and trying to sort her life out away from bastards like you!"

Was I hearing correctly? Mimi with _him_?

"You fuckin' kidding me? She's with _you_?"

"Yes, she's with me."

He starts to walk away and I lose it.

"Don't you fuckin' walk away you motherfucker! Give her back to me! She is mine!"

He stops dead in his tracks and whips round. "She is not yours! She is not anybody's, she a fuckin' person. Not that you would have noticed that between beating her to a pulp and degrading her. Treating her like a piece of shit from your shoe. Why don't you just fuck off and leave her alone."

Red. I saw it and I acted. Seeing my target and bawled my hand into a tight fist. Using all my strength, I punched him right on the lip. I was aiming for the nose but whatever.

He stumbled back a bit and instinctively his hand goes up to his mouth. He sees there is blood and I hope that he retaliates.

"I don't want to upset Mimi by fighting with you myself...but...you will be sorted." He turns and walks away.

What the fuck? That was it? Here was me looking forward to a good fight and what happens? He pussys out! I'll be sorted? Ha! Yeah right. He's all talk no action and doesn't scare me one bit.

* * *

So thats Max. Lovely man, I can see why Mimi stayed with him for so long.

He's going to get whats coming to him. Not because he attacked me, but for everything that he did to Mimi and every other women that he's ever abused.

I know a man that can sort all this out and won't leave a mess, well a trail more than a mess. He better mess Max up, mess him good.

Turning into the darkened alley I swore I'd never go down again, all I feel is fury. Fury at Max and his insane and inhumane mind. Passing all the junkies and trash cans I finally come to a door in which I know oh so well. Knocking three times, I patiently wait until an abnormally stout man opens the door.

"What you want?" he roughly asks.

"I need to see Pete," I state in my "no nonsense" tone.

"Pete don't see no one!"

"He'll see me."

I barge past the stout man and cross through the black curtains separating the junkies and the stoners.

"Roger!" a voice cries from the opposite side of the room. How I remember that voice. The voice the sold me drugs for so many years, who was so disappointed when his best customer decided to call it quits. "Decided that reality wasn't for you, huh?"

"No Pete. I'm not here for drugs." His face falls somewhat but he keeps on looking at me.

"Then why are you here?"

"I need a favor."

He walks up to me so we are face to face. He's a good 2 inches taller than me and very intimidating with his huge black eyes and muscular build, but I didn't back down. You can't show fear in your eyes with these people. They feed off fear, feed off the weak and I wouldn't be sucked back into that world.

"I need a man hurt. Hurt bad."

"Why should I help you?"

"Because I was a very good customer of yours and I haven't told anyone about you yet. I can easily do that if you don't agree to help me." Threatening him was always the way to get what you wanted and that seems to still ring true.

"Who?"

"Max. Max Palenty."

"The drug dealer man who is always either shouting at someone or sulking?"

"The very one."

He looks reluctantly at me. A part of me thinks he's about to say no where as the other part feels strong and defiant.

"Fine."

That's what is great about Pete, he doesn't ask questions. He doesn't care who you want maimed or killed, he just does it for you, especially if, like me, you have something to use against him.

I turned to leave. Leave this hellish place of drugs and urges so strong it's taken all my energy just to stand still.

"Wait!"

I wait.

"When?"

"As soon as possible." I want him dealt with ASAP.

"It'll be done."

* * *

Stupid Roger telling me to watch out. Nothing will happen and we all know it.

Walking back onto Avenue A, I double take. I look both ways. I know nothing will happen, but I'm still not taking any chances. I'm not going to be the one who gets surprised when a hobbo jumps out at them. Looking ahead I see Natella. She's always had a thing for me, and that's not conceit it's just simple honesty.

"Hey," I say as I approach her. She is beautiful, there is no doubt about it, but I need someone like Mimi; someone who doesn't question my authority and will always stay near me. Mimi was that perfect person, until recently.

"Hi," she says briskly.

"How are you?"

She stares right through me. "No better after what you did to me."

"Oh come on Nat! I didn't mean it."

"Bullshit you didn't. Look just stay away from me, please?"

She walks quickly away from me, leaving me standing alone and forgotten. I've never been alone before. There has always been someone with me, even if we didn't get on we wouldn't dare part. Obviously things are changing...and i blame it all on Mimi.

Wandering aimlessly around I stop at a bench. I peer to make sure it isn't wet and gingerly sit down. It's graffittied so that there is hardly any space left and so worn out from people sleeping on it that it's hard as nails. I don't care. I continue to sit and close my eyes. I try to make sense of all the information that has come to light over the past couple of weeks. I can't. It just won't make sense. Not to me anyway. Opening my eyes I feel a presence behind me.

All of a sudden large, sweaty hands are round me throat. Squeezing so hard all the blood pumps to my face and I can't breath. Then there are feet. Huge feet. Kicking me to the ground. Grinding into my side. I cough and the large, sweaty hands let go from around my throat. Now there are two pairs of feet on me. Fuck! One kicked my face and there is blood. I can feel it trickling down my face to my neck.

Agony as kicks and punches are rained down on me at mighty speed. I try to move but it hurts to bad so I stay still. It feel like hours they have beaten me but I know it could only have been minutes.

Suddenly they stop and lift me up from my hair. I try to look into their eyes but my own are swollen shut so bad that I can't even open them.

"Fuckin' asshole," the larger of the two spat at me. "Scum!"

Flinging me back onto the ground they walk away. Sharp bolts, like knifes, shoot up and down my body yet only one thought comes to mind. "Kill Roger!"


	8. Revenge is Sweet

**Chapter Eight: Revenge is Sweet.**

After Roger had suggested that we move I got planning immediately. Not only did I talk to Joanne and Maureen about it, I even called Collins. Our conversation was small but we decided to meet up to try and talk about things. He was a good friend to me, and still is to Roger, but I don't want to loose him. He said he was going to come up in about an hour so I had some time to plan what I was going to say. The problem was...I didn't know what to say! Should I apologise? Maybe. Should I just talk about why I called him? Obviously. But how should I go about it?

As the minutes ticked by I was no way nearer to that conclusion than I was after Angel's funeral.

* * *

Mimi's and Roger's appartment I knew so well. Used to practically live there, but for so long I've avoided it and it's time to enter again.

Knocking on the big, metal, sliding door that opens to the loft, I patiently wait. My hand were shaking with nerves; I tried to steady them with no avail. I hadn't spoken to Mimi since Angel's death. It wasn't because I hated her, on the contrary I loved her like a sister but she blames me for Angel's death and I couldn't be around her when she thought so horribly of me.

The door slides cautiously open and there she is; standing just 2 feet away from me. She's looking good. Her skin is glowing, she has more flesh on her and for once she isn't high. I open my mouth to say something but I stop. How do I speak to her? What do i say?

Mimi took care of that. Looking at me quickly she smiled and flung herself onto me. Clinging to her for dear life, I break down. Why had we gone so long without talking? Why did we let things get like this?

"I'm sorry, Collins," she whispers in my ear.

I pull away and frown at her. "What are you sorry for."

"For Angel's death. For me distancing us."

"What? You're not the cause of Angel's death!"

She motions for me to go inside. She plonks herself down on the couch and I follow suit.

"Collins?"

"Yeah."

"It was me who got Angel wound up in drugs. I thought you knew that?"

"I did. But I don't blame you for her death. She had AIDS, Mims. Nothing could've cured her and it's not anyone's fault that she caught it."

"But don't you blame me?"

"What? Ofcourse I don't! I thought you blamed me! That's why I was scared to talk to you for so long."

"This is stupid. We both thought we were to blame and then we didn't talk." She laughs softly but I know, like me, she is desperately grieving for Angel.

"We've both lost so much in our lives. Lets not loose each other too."

I embrace her and she responds just has quickly.

"I'm still so sorry, Collins."

"I'm sorry too."

* * *

Walking up the stairs to my apartment I hear laughing. Talking? Inside my apartment? Is Mimi talking to herself? Sliding open the door I see Collins and Mimi talking animatedly. Surprise is not the correct word, I was stunned! They haven't spoken since Angel's funeral. Have they reconciled?

"Hey guys," I say through my shock and awe.

They both look up at the same time and Mimi comes and hugs me.

"Hey sweetie," Mimi cries enthusiastically, kissing me full force.

"Hey man," Collins smiles.

"What's going on?" I enquire.

"Me and Collins were just talking, hanging out."

"You guys okay now?"

"Yeah man," Collins laughs. "It was stupid and we should have talked soon, but at least we're good now."

I smile at them both, so glad that at last everyone is talking and getting along.

"Thanks for everything Mims, but I gotta go," Collins states while putting on his leather jacket. He's had that thing since Angel bought him it and will not part with it, though I seriously think he needs a new one.

"You sure you don't want to stay for dinner?" I ask trying to take advantage of them being together again.

"Wish I could man, but I got life support to go to."

"Okay, see you later then?"

"Definitely."

He quickly embraces us both and walks out.

"You didn't tell me you called Collins."

"Well I kind of did it on a whim after we talked about moving. I missed him and realised that we had to sort things out. Funny thing is we both thought we blamed each other," Mimi laughs.

"Well I'm just glad you guys sorted things out."

She takes my hand and gently kisses it. Ever so softly.

"I love you."

"I love you to Mims."

"Hey, why don't we got out for dinner tonight?"

"With what money," I grumble. I hate being poor; hate not having money; hate not being able to treat Mimi.

"Oh!...Well..how about just doing something else?"

"Like what?"

"Just maybe getting some fresh air, wandering around, seeing the statue of liberty."

"I don't know. Maybe."

* * *

Mimi always seems to have this power over me that I give in to everything she asks for, that is within moderation. This time I gave into to going out. I couldn't afford dinner so we decided to walk downtown and see the Christmas lights. They had just put them up as it's was getting to that time of year again.

"They're beautiful," Mimi gasps.

"They're okay." You'd think she'd never seen lights before. "They're the same every year."

"Why so grumpy?"

"I'm not grumpy just annoyed."

"Why are you annoyed? At me?"

"No! Not at you...It's just...I hate being poor. I hate it!"

Mimi looks away. She tends to get uncomfortable when she doesn't know what to say, and this is one of those times. Grabbing her hand to distract her, I change the topic of discussion.

"Where you want to go next?"

Obviously glad for the diversion, she perks up. "Anywhere. I just like being with you."

We walk around for a while when I spot someone in the distance who looks awfully like Max. Stopping dead in my tracks, I turn Mimi around so she isn't facing him.

"What's up?" she inquires.

He gets closer and I see clearly that it's him...and he's raging.

"Mims...go on home."

"What! Why?"

"Please, just do it! I'll explain later."

"Roger? What's wrong?"

"Mimi! This is for your own good! Just go!" I give her a nudge in the opposite direction but she doesn't budge further. "Mimi!"

"Okay...fine! I'm going." She storms off, obviously mad at me, but when I explain to her later she'll understand.

He is now almost directly in front of me and I spot something shinnying in his hand.

"You bastard!" he lunges at me, knocking me to the ground with an almighty thud. His body is pressed up on mine and I see clearly what's in his hand. A knife. Sharp and pointy.

"Get the fuck off me!"

"No!" he spits at me, covering my face with saliva. "You deserve to pay for what you did to me!"

* * *

I've got him where I want him now. The knifes in my hand and I see it glistening in the moonlight. He stops squirming and realises just what I'm about to do. Raising the knife higher I plunge it down into his stomach. Thick, warm blood oozes out. Twice in his neck. Again in his stomach. Again! Again! Again!

I stop and start to breath. Looking down at the massacre I've created, I feel content. Finally I get revenge; finally he pays for what he's done.

Getting up I realise that I am also covered in blood. His blood. Thinking I better go clean up before anyone finds him, I start to walk away. I don't care what happens to him. If he dies, gets taken to hospital. I don't care! All that matters is I got my revenge.

* * *

Stupid Roger telling me to go home. What was so important that I couldn't be there with him? It must have been important, he'd been away for 4 hours and I didn't know when he was coming back; if he was coming back.

Pacing the loft I start to feel uneasy. What if something happened to him? What if he got hurt? What if...? My thoughts trail off as I forbid my self to think about that. No think happy thoughts. He'll be back.

"MIMI!"

Roger? Running to the balcony I see Maureen yelling up.

"MIMI! Something happened to Roger! COME QUICK!"

Something happened to Roger? No! Running down the stairs at full speed I open the door out to the night. The air is chilly and I realise I forgot to pick up my jacket.

"What's happened?" I cry.

"Roger's in hospital. Collins called Joanne and told him to come and get you."

"What?"

"No time for questions. Not right now! Come on! Joanne has a taxi waiting round the corner."

I couldn't move. Fear had paralyzed me. Roger? In hospital? No...please God no!

"Mimi! Come on." Maureen grabs my hand pulling me towards the taxi. "He needs you."

* * *

As soon as the taxi pulls up at A/E I'm out like a shot. Running through the doors I approach the first doctor I see.

"Excuse me. Can you tell me where I can find Roger Davis?"

"Erm...was he brought in recently," the doctor asks. Doctor? He looked like he was twelve years old.

"Yes! Please, where can I find him?"

"Hold on a minute." He walks through a set of large, white double doors just as Maureen and Joanne approach me.

"I asked a doctor where Roger was and he's away to find out," I tell them.

"He's going to be okay, Mims. Don't worry," Joanne tried to reassure me. I wasn't buying it. Whatever happened to him must have been awful for him to be brought here.

A couple of minutes feel like an eternity when you're waiting for answers and I started to get restless.

"Miss Marquez I presume?" The twelve year old doctor was back.

"Yes. Is he all right?"

"Miss Marquez, I'm afraid Mr Davis is unconscious. He was brutally stabbed numerous times. A Mr Collins is with him right now in room 216 if you would like..."

I didn't even let him finish. I stormed through the doors and looks at the room numbers. 200. 202. At the end of the corridor I saw it room 216. Quickening my pace i stopped dead at the doors. Roger would be in there but in what state? The doctor said he was stabbed. How did this happen?

Silently opening the door I see Collins hunched over Roger's limp body. His face is all battered and bruised and his puncture wounds in his neck are still on display. I let the tears flow.

"Roger!" I cry walking towards his side I slowly stroke his hair. "Don't die on me, please don't."

Collins arms are round me and I cling to him; letting the tears flow. I shake and sob for Roger.

* * *

We've been at the hospital for almost 5 hours and I refuse to leave his side. I won't sleep or eat until he wakes up. They say he's not doing too well; his lungs and oesophagus were punctured and they say he might not make it. I won't believe it; I can't believe it. If I believe it, then it becomes real.

"Mims, you need to eat something," Collins protested.

"Not until he wakes up!"

"That could be hours. I'll come with you if you'd like?" Maureen suggested.

I don't want them with me right now. "No. It's okay. I'll go myself."

Stealing one last glance at Roger I reluctantly walk out the room and down the corridor to the bathroom. I'm too worried to eat so I splash my face with some water and sit on the bathroom floor.

What if Roger doesn't make it? How would I go on? I don't even believe in God but at that moment in time I said a silent prayer. A prayer that Roger pulls through; a prayer that Roger doesn't die. Tears stream down my face as I angrily rub them away. What was I doing in here? Roger needed me.

Passing by all the other patients rooms I feel saddened. Many of them won't live to see next month, maybe not even tomorrow.

Doctors rush by me and I catch a couple of words. "CPR" and "resuscitate" are two that I caught. See what I mean? Someone's going all ready.

Approaching room 216 I see the sight that I know will haunt me forever. The sight of doctors and nurses trying to resuscitate Roger. One shakes his head and they stop but the monotone beeping of his heart machine will forever be in my mind.

* * *

"Police open up!"

How'd they find me? How'd they know it was me? My hesitation to open the door for them was obviously to long. The beat the door down and ran towards me, pinning me up against the wall.

"Max Palenty," the chief officer barked at me. "You are under arrest for the murder of Roger Davis. You do not have to say anything..."

His voice trails off as it hits me. Roger's dead! The motherfucker's dead! This is a great day. Even if I get life imprisonment it'll have all been worth it.

"Hallelujah! Fuckin' Hallelujah! He's dead!" I laugh.


	9. How Do I Live?

**Wow! Last chapter. Never thought I'd get here. **

**Well Roger's dead and Max has been arrested so what will happen to Mimi? Will she give up or bite the bullet and survive without Roger?**

* * *

**Chapter Nine: How Do I Live?**

Back home I tried to sleep. It was useless; all I kept thinking about was Roger, and how much I missed him. It had only been two days since that fatal day and there was no way I was better. All I did was cry; cry for Roger and selfishly, cry for myself. How could I go on now that Roger was gone? His death has cut me like a thousand knives and those knives just kept on stabbing me. If possible, the pain I felt was even worse than it was when Angel died. If that's even possible.

Sitting on mine and Roger's bed I realise that I can't live here anymore. This street, this building, this loft, reminds me too much of Roger. "_I have to get out of here." _I think to myself.

A loud knock at the door disrupts my train of thought. My legs are heavy as I reluctantly go to answer it. Springing back the door I'm surprised to come face to face with Collins.

"Hey," he whispers. "Can I come in?"

He looked so worn out in his long, black, leather jacket, so even though I wasn't in the mood for visitors, I agreed.

"Um...sure," I say stepping sideways for him to get in. "What's up?"

"Roger's funeral is on Wednesday," he sighs.

Wednesday? That's tomorrow! Having Roger's funeral means that I have to say goodbye for good.

"That's too soon!" I yell. "Not tomorrow!"

Collins flinches at the sound of my voice and I instantly feel guilty.

"I'm sorry, Collins," I say. "It's just...the funeral being tomorrow...means that I have to finally say goodbye...and I'm not sure I'm ready for that."

I feel tears well up deep within my eyes and I blink them bad. I have been so strong around my friends, never letting myself cry in front of them, never giving in, but I know that tomorrow it's going to be a different story.

"It's okay. I understand," he mutters. "Would you like to speak at his funeral, like you did for Angel?"

Him mentioning Angel and Roger in the same sentence just brings back the realisation of how much we both have lost. Our lovers, our soul mates, our lives.

"I would like that very much, thank you Collins."

* * *

After Collins leaves, I think about Max. That fucker! Why did he do this to me? To Roger? He didn't deserve it. If I could rewind time so that I never got back together with Roger, I would. I would hate it, but at least Roger would still be alive. It's the story of my life. I always wish I could rewind time; do things differently. If only life was that simple.

The last thing I heard, was that Max was in Green Haven Correctional Facility Prison awaiting trial. That, I was glad to hear. Green Haven was maximum security and that was exactly what Max needed. Even though I knew this, it still made me feel uneasy that he could possibly escape. Would he come after me?

I then had a sudden thought that was incredibly strange...I should visit Max!

* * *

After getting a ride from Benny of all people I had started to think that maybe this wasn't such a good idea. Sitting in the visitors parking lot of Green Haven with Benny, I started to panic.

"What am I doing here?" I whispered more to myself than him.

"I thought you wanted to see Max?" Benny questioned me. I wasn't really happy with him right now even after he gave Roger and Mark their loft back, I just couldn't bring myself to be nice to him. Civil I can be and right now I'd be extremely civil as he didn't have to give me a ride.

"I thought I did too." Thinking of Max behind those walls, thinking of what he had done to both mine and Roger's lives, I shivered. At first I thought I'd come to see that Max was safely behind bars, were I knew where he was and couldn't harm me, but now, staring up into the sky I realised that I wanted answers. Answers that only Max could give.

Taking a deep breath I opened the car door and pressed my foot onto the ground. The very same ground that so many murderers had walked upon. Looking back at Benny I nodded.

"I won't be long." I said slamming th car door behind me.

I started to walk towards the prison when his voice stopped me dead.

"Are you sure...?" his voice trailed off.

"Sure what?" I asked walking back towards the car.

"Sure that you don't want anyone going in with you? I'll come if you want...for support."

Thinking about his offer I frowned. I really didn't want anyone listening on the conversation I was about to have with my ex-drug dealer. It was going to be uncomfortable enough with just me and him but add in a third party and you have a whole new thing. Still, it was sweet of him to ask.

Shaking my head I smiled at him. "It's okay...I'd rather do this alone."

* * *

Sitting at the visiting booth, that was really bad if you were claustrophobic, I waited patiently for Max to appear. I'd never visited anyone in prison before and I wasn't sure how to talk to Max. Literally. There was a thick glass panel between us and a telephone, that I gathered you had to pick up to talk to each other.

Just as I was about to ask someone if they knew how this operation worked, Max came striding smugly through the grey door to the back of the room (his end) and sat down in front of me. Staring each other down all I wanted to do was punch the glass so hard that my hand went right through it and into his mouth. And that's when I realised that seeing him was only going to make me more angry and that I'd have to calm down if I wanted this meeting to get anywhere.

"Why did you come?" Max asked breaking the stony silence between us. He had the telephone to his ear; so I was right, that was how it worked. "You miss me? Come here to thank me for putting that worthless piece of shit in the ground?"

His words smacked me like a wet towel and I had to count to ten before I could answer. "Firstly I came to ask you some questions. Secondly, no I did not miss you and I will never miss you and thirdly...Roger was not a worthless piece of shit! If anyone is the piece of shit it's you...but then again even shit is better than you."

"Ouch," he laughed. "Witty. That's a treasure that you hold and I've always loved you for it. Anyway...all joking aside, you said you came to ask me some questions...so shoot."

"You have a gun?"

"I mean shoot with the questions, Mimi but I do have a gun at home...well I did but the cops took it off me."

Counting again to ten, I gathered my composure and asked the first questions that had been bugging me for days, "Why kill him? Why did you have to end his life? Was a beating not good enough for you that you had to do something that was irreversible?"

He smirked at me and laughed. That fucker was laughing!

"I killed him because he never deserved you."

"WHAT?" I yelled. "Never deserved me? Roger deserved me more than anyone else on this planet. You think you deserved me? You never deserved me! You treated me like shit."

I was seeing red and I instantly knew that this was exactly what he wanted. He wanted me to get mad, get me riled up and as much as I didn't want to give him the satisfaction I couldn't help my reactions.

Max again just laughed at me and I quickly stood up to go. "WAIT!" he cried through the glass though it was muffled somewhat.

I stopped dead and looked at him. His orange boiler suit was hanging off his now non existent frame and his hair unwashed. Seeing him properly for the first time in years I felt sorry for him. Sorry for the mess he has made of himself and his life...but not sorry enough to wish him free. Oh no, he can rot in here for all I care.

"You only asked me one question," he whispered.

Sitting down I picked up the telephone and his action matched mine.

"Yes, I did only ask you one question because after the first one I realised that this," I explained using my finger to gesture to myself and him. "Isn't going to work. I can't ask you questions when I'm not ready for the answers. It's too soon and that's my fault for coming."

"Will you come back and visit?" he pleaded.

"I will _never _come to visit you. I will only come back if and when I am ready to hear the answers. Only then. And that will not be a visit...more like a...business arrangement."

Slamming the telephone down I swiftly walk away, feeling better about myself than I have done for a long time.

* * *

"Roger was not just my room mate, he was my best friend. We were there for each other when times were hard but more importantly when times were good. Roger was a firm believer in "having fun with your friends," though some would say too much fun," Mark said as I giggled through silent tears/

I was up next to speak after Mark and I was sure I'd break down. So far Roger's funeral was pretty much the same as Angel's except Mark was first to speak this time.

"He was always there for his friends whenever they needed him," Mark went on. "And this inevitably would lead to his death."

Was Mark publicly blaming me for Roger's death?

"Roger was a good guy and he didn't deserve this punishment for his help." Mark turned towards Roger's coffin and placed a hand lightly on the engravings. "Rest in peace, Rog."

Watching Mark take his seat in front of me, I stood up. All eyes were on me as I walked up to the alter. I could tell they all blamed me for his death, every single one of them.

I never normally got stage fright but with angry and tearful faces looking up at me my mind went blank.

"Near the end of his life," I began my voice shaking. "Roger never thought about himself, but always about other people. He helped me through my withdrawl and for that I'll always be in his debt." Pausing for breath I said something I never thought I'd admit to myself let alone a room full of people. "Roger died because of me. He died to save me...I guess. I never wanted him too...God no...I'd rather he was here, but that was Roger...selfless. When he died I wanted to be dead too and being here without him is extremely hard...but I've been doing alot of thinking about this situation and I think we should look on this as a time to grow and become stronger. Stronger because without Roger we, well I, have to live on my own, look out for myself and start from scratch and brave because facing this word when he was alive was hard and without him is nearly impossible." Tears started to stream down my face but I had to finish. "Roger would want us to learn from this, to grow from this and live life as much as we can."

Slowly stepping down from the alter I was caught in Collins arms. Being in his arms I broke down. I cried for myself and what I had lost but more importantly I cried for Roger and how much he would be missed and still continued to be loved.

* * *

That was goodbye. Roger was now and truly gone and all I felt was helpless. I decided after the funeral that it would be best ifI left the loft for good so that's what I was doing, packing my bag. I only had one bag, I'm not a materialistic person, I just have the essentials.

Hearing the door open I gathered my bag and headed out to see who it was. Mark and Collins stood there, looking at me, at my bag, at me, my bag, until I couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"I'm just leaving," I said as I started to walk past them.

"Why?" Mark asked. "You know you're more than welcome to stay here...actually we insist you stay here. Where would go anyhow?"

"I don't know...somewhere. I'd find a place..."

"No," Collins interrupted me. "We're not letting you leave. We care to much about you to let you go...anyway we have to stick together now. We're all each others got."

Smiling faintly, I put down my bag and walked into the embraces of Mark and Collins. My family. Collins was right, we did have to stick together and there was no way I was letting them go.


End file.
